Hey Kristi Noem! Squid Game wasn’t supposed to be a template for immigration policy! In a move that sounds so dystopian you’d raise your eyebrow if it appeared in an episode of Black Mirror, a program pitch has been discovered that reveals the Homeland Security is working with Duck Dynasty producer Rob Worsoff on a nightmarish reality TV show in which migrants will compete against each for the prize of a fast-tracked US citizenship.
This insane concept, currently titled The Americans, is pitched as a show that will “celebrate what it means to be American and have a national conversation about what it means to be American, through the eyes of the people who want it most.”
Kristi Noem has lost her godamn mind. pic.twitter.com/CXtUT1M2Pw
— Nurses Against Dick Pics. 🪷🇺🇦 (@ClaudetteGGibs1) May 16, 2025
The contestants will be 12 people desperate to enter the United States, with the initial episode beginning them arriving at New York’s Ellis Island on board “The Citizen Ship” (oh god there’s puns too) where they will be gifted a personalized baseball glove by a “famous, naturalized American”, with Sofia Vergera and Ryan Reynolds touted as possible hosts.
From there, they’ll be herded onto a stars-and-stripes decorated train known as “The American”, which will tour the states and give contestants patriotic challenges. Examples given are “balancing on logs in Hayward, Wisconsin” all the way to “building and launching a rocket in Florida’s Cape Canaveral”. Noem’s on board, so why throw in a puppy-killing round while you’re at it!
U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services officials would oversee the immigrants doing these tasks and award them points based on how well they do. Losers will be deported, albeit with consolation prizes like “a $10,000 Starbucks gift card”. I want to underline this one more time. I am NOT making this up.
The eventual winner will be sworn in as an American citizen on Capitol Hill by a “a top American politician or judge.” This finale will apparently mean “there won’t be a dry eye within 10 miles”. Nor, presumably, will there be a jaw not on the floor, a palm not thumped against a forehead in horror, or a heart not broken at America’s soiled dignity.
Welcome to the Hunger Games
Tricia McLaughlin, the Homeland Security Assistant Secretary, confirmed to the Daily Beast that this truly hellish concept is indeed under official consideration and is “in the very beginning stages” of development, though final approval has not been given yet.
Reactions are already what you’d expect: “This can’t be real… right?!“, “our version of Squid Game?” and “hell isn’t hot enough“. Cards on the table, we thought we were now completely numbed to the Trump regime’s daily parade of horrors, but it seems we can still indeed feel genuine horror and disgust!
Published: May 16, 2025 06:11 am